A mother’s confession

It’s the New Year – the beginning of brighter days and the “so long” to the darker ones.

I should start by apologizing for my disappearance; the last few months were pretty bad and I couldn’t seem to snap out of it. I only had so much energy to spare and that was left maintaining the health and happiness of my daughter. January has been kind to me thus far and with a pile of bricks lifted off my shoulders I am able to review things more clearly. And though I am not limiting myself for one time of the year to resolve what needs to be, I will take the challenge and admit I have zero patience when it comes to … you all love this joke … having patience.

Many mothers say they aren’t patient enough with their kids. And kids can be pretty fucked up and it is really, really hard to say, “Oh, well, they are young!” It is our duty to raise them to be better after all. But with all this being true, I get stressed easy and it trickles down to my mini counterpart.

She is five, after all. She deserves some lenience.

I’m not sure if it is because she is the only person I live with, or if I am emotionally ill equipped. The girl is smart and stubborn- a killer combination that will help her in life while at the same time shortening the years of my own.

I need to not say “No” to everything. I need to learn that no matter how tired I am, she is not going to be able to pick up the slack another adult in a family environment can. I need to remember that my best friend with an adult vocabulary and insistence on doing everything independently is still in a grade that is a letter combination as opposed to a number. I don’t want to waste these years.

My baby is five, she is a baby.

Yes, she’s going to clean her room, yes she will learn to be accountable for her actions. But when she is dragging her feet on the way to daycare it is not that she wants me to be late to work, it is that she is five and though she understands when I say I can’t be late she can not be expected to understand the true consequences of such. She will, but later, not at five.

My new year’s resolution is to have more patience; we’ll see how it goes.

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