Growing up or down?

I got what I call my grown up haircut.

The real reason is because my tresses were destroyed and uneven after matting, sectional shaves, and many colours. Yet I heard my voice, tiny, telling the hairstylist it was because I simply did not have enough time in the mornings to manage it, what with being a mother and all. This was not the case; I never had a haircut before recently and the long locks hadn’t interfered. I said what I said because I’ve heard other “grownups” say it. I was feeling insecure, like a fraud. I am about to graduate a three-year journalism course and get a 9 – 5-office internship. I have a very intelligent daughter and building a decent support group and network of wicked friends. Like many women I have an extreme case of Imposter Syndrome. Even when knowing this is the case I feel inadequate in all I do. So this chopping of the curls, this was going to change that? Or was it the post-Christmas gift card stylish clothing shopping spree? Why does every other mom seem so much more together, while I am lovingly referred to as the, “big kid?” I don’t even mind being called that, should I?

At parent-student-teacher events, I sit with the kids. I always forget to read the school notices (P was all dressed and ready for the bus on a teacher strike day because I didn’t look at the memo until right before we left.) When P is tapping her feet in her dance class, I’m not talking to the other moms chatting about their children’s extracurriculars and forgetful husbands. Sometimes a stray dad gets trapped there, I want to talk to him, but he looks as scared me. It is easy to get spooked in parent land.

I don’t know.

As I scribble in my notebook, a little girl waiting for her big sister is looking at my tattoos. I doodle a picture of her and hand it over. She smiles and giggles loudly while her mother tells her to be polite and say thanks. If I am a grownup or a failed adult, I don’t mind. I want to be the notebook scribbler making kids laugh. Either way, my hair looks awesome.


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